What is Wrong?- bipolar blast # 7

Find myself at rock bottom. Having no place to stand. God is my rock, but I am falling. like I am on sand. maybe I think to highly of myself, but it seems I am getting this:Mark 5:31  Likewise also the chief priests mocking said among themselves with the scribes, He saved others; himself he cannot save.  Psalm 44:15  My confusion is continually before me, and the shame of my face hath covered me,
I know it fellowship with Jesus Christ and his suffering, but I guess in this testing before the presence of my God and the enemy, I am not handling it right at all.

I am totally disturbed about my messy house to the point of  Idolatry and leaving off thankfulness. I do not only want to love and obey God when I am feeling good on manic side of bipolar, but here I am with what I hate. No knowing which promise to claim and wondering where is God?
Was Elijah somewhat bipolar because I sure fit with him. He is my favorite Bible character because of this. Except maybe the maniac of Gedara. I guess I am being threatened by Jezebel in a spiritual manner.
God has told me when I am irritable bipolar manic and depression with panic, I actually fall into a lighter form of the maniac because I get out of control and darkness covers me. I panic out of control. It use to be far worse because I did not know then as I do now that it was a spiritual force driving the anxiety of bipolar and now I know not to allow it to get this far. but it has.
Psalm 107:10  Such as sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, being bound in affliction and iron; spiritual chains and iron. That only I can cast off. I look for help from my family, but:

Psalm 38:11  My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off.
And then I say to God:
Psalm10:1  Why standest thou afar off, O LORD? why hidest thou thyself in times of trouble?

I hate going by feelings because this is also true:
 Rom_10:8  But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach;
And this:James 4:8  Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. And this:


Hebrews: 7:19  For the law made nothing perfect, but the bringing in of a better hope did; by the which we draw nigh unto God.


The lacking elements in me with these 3 verses: Faith, Wavering and double mindeness -hope gone.

 Just wonder what or where I fell , Am I not standing? Am I backslid, do I praise, do I sing, I want to run until I burn out and disappear. I really just want to live as I was working to by every word that proceeds out of mouth of God and love him with heart soul and mind. do not understand why I just am not able or maybe I am and my feelings are what I am going by. Do not know.

Give me a couple weeks and maybe I will back on the Mountain. So confusing and god is not the author of that. I do not even want mountain if I cannot obey in the valley. Even tried to fast today to break the chains and failed to even do that. Chocolate won out.
Nothing more to say, but I do have a book to recommend. probably best fiction book I ever read as far as a Christian book goes. I want to get it again. I found it in library In WA state. Pretty amazing since the library there really has few offerings for christian. I used to do Moody reading club way back and they had done that book-after I had read it -for their book reading and was amazing I turned on the program the day they were discussing it.
Everyone should read:

rating
bookshelves	best-christian-fiction, read edit shelves
format	Paperback (edit)
review	This is one of the best christian books I have ever read. Really gets behind the scenes of what may have transpired to bring about the maniac of Gadara's devil possession. Great insight into spiritual behind the scenes workings.It is so good that it was used in Mid Day book discussions when the professor that moderates that group usually only does classics. This book is HOT!

The above is my review and rating for Good Reads.

A Rant

I do not like to complain much. I would rather be an encourager and exhorter. Pray for others. Lift the down trodden. Stir other up to faith and keep em moving in the race. but today was so hard.
Started last night with disbelief in God. I am sick, I have digestion stuff everyone else got to lay around with last week, I do not get that option. Unless I am so sick I am bedridden and will take something major, I still do my normal stuff or it will be there if I let loose. My kids do chores, but unless I make sure they do them. forget it. I am also not the type to stand for sitting, So boring to me. I also am having bad breathing problems since I went where my husband works for thanksgiving. I torqued up on asthma meds before going, but either they had no cleaned very well or taht stuff was in the air, but have not been able to lay and sleep at night since. On top of my normal meds I am having to take piles of drugs. I have bad depression and it is hitting also. so more drugs. Between the drugs, lack of sleep, the fibromyalgia stuff and other afflictions I am pretty ready to lie down in a corner and give up. Usually my choleric personality pulls me up, but today I had bad anxiety. fear anxiety. The worst. Not normal fear. I am afraid of hardly anything and God has worked this to good to get me fearless. This is a fear like ice going through your veins. I am usually afraid of the word of God, good stuff I love and need to fight with God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but power, love and of a sound mind. I could not even read the Bible posts that help on my group this morning.How I claimed that in 97 when it took me over. I had to take medication. medication at 8 a. m. when usually it is late in the day if I need any when the noise of my kids put me to a breaking point. And my 22 year old is here. I love him, but he was my hardest to deal with and even though he said his wife was a slob, I have to tell him to pick up or I have to do it. Annoying. I want to be a blessing to him after what his wife did to him, but it is extra confusion which takes all of God's grace to do with. the mental stuff I deal with.And though my husband has come far to wake up when you are struggling with doubts to hear him say: " Make's you want to join the kingdom crowd so you can have an easy life and the Devil will bless." When you want him to say something about "get back up again.." Why tempt you me? Come on we will finish the race. Jesus holds the prize. Join the apostate crowd and get blessed down here. I had never read a musing on a site I click and earn rewards, but this poem hit me off there- I have never paid attention to where I click to get points. But saw it. I may never notice this site again since I just earn clicks never sign up for stuff. (Though you do earn more points. It is hard to get rid of junk after you sign on.)


  Suffice it to Say  
A bleak picture of a wounded lamb,
Painted silently by a soft shelled clam.

Above the line, speaking through sand;
Tasting loud, but conspicuously bland.

A meal would fill her up, suffice it to say,
If only red turned blue and green to gray.

Melting butter being drawn with a pencil,
Hot food sliced thin, without a utensil.

A middle ground stepped in in silence;
Making waves of unnecessary violence.  I did not write this. Give credit to who did, but it is me today. The wounded lamb to me is the Saviour. My only hope.

Anxiety= Chaos of Earth quake inside.

O

• A=Atomic explosion
• N=No one could understand
• X= Cannot show up on Xray, No eXact reason for.
• I=Introversion
• E=enveloped in fear,  heart pounding madness
• T=Terror-for no reason
• Y=You feel like death and ask Y?               Only God can bring me through.