Bipolar blast-Hospital A

In the middle of June I was put in the Psych. Unit at the nearby hospital. If only I would retain the lessons I learned there. I hated it , but came out so much better.
What happened was I was manic irritable in spite of my medicine.(this is another story I will post soon) I tried to get help out of my husband and he did not want to deal with me like this, so left. I got upset thinking in my crazed mind he hated me so called to talk to my support at the Dr. She was not there. I had been told her phone was not working which made me angry at a professional place, so I called her boss. This women seemed put out that I had bothered her and I became frustrated explaining about my counselors phone and how that was annoying she would not get my calls. She asked about me being angry. I told her wouldn't you when someone at a professional office has a non working phone.?

I told her I had a pamphlet about speaking up about your care and she switched me to a crisis place. I told them about my husband not listening to me (next time I will hang up- if switched like this.) I had not noticed the switcheroo she did on me. I thought I had gained a listening ear. I am an honest individual and sometimes too trusting when on irritable manic side. this person asked me if I felt like I needed a break.- A change in my meds. I said "yes", I would like that. She made the hospital sound inviting-like leading a witness if you know the workings of trials.. .I could read and rest, YES. I would have a break from dishes and Kids-Don't we all want that once and awhile? YES!Was I feeling like I wanted to harm myself. "Yes, doesn't everyone once and awhile in their situation." She agreed with this concept.

I was making a pie while conversing with her and next thing I know a policeman is coming in yelling at me about having a knife- I was using to cut the fruit with. I was told I would go to the hospital willingly or be arrested and sent for 4 days. I went willingly being told I would only  be there 4 hours. Guess what? No phone call, no lawyer,  strip searched like a criminal and put in psych unit like I was a druggie. told I was sentenced to 4 days because I wanted an ambulance. ( I did not!)

God got me out with prayer on sunday-2 days early and I did learn so much in there. He is working it to good, even though I believe I was tricked to make a Quinta or something.
I am on several bipolar support sites and most people on there are in and out of the hospital so I consider myself blessed that this was only the 2nd time in 20 years this has happened to me. last time in 97 I wanted to go in because I was psychotic and knew I needed help. That was different.

I am thankful for the experience, but do think it was evil the way they dealt with me. I do deserve hell though. And by God's Spirit and mercy and grace, total trust in him, I have escaped the road of horror I could have been on unsaved. I have a great testimony through Him. Only 2 times in the hospital in 20 years. ONLY HIM.

I will post soon Part B my experience in the hospital.

Bipolar blast- sickness part 2

I never made it to Dr, but using a myriad of things I am doing better. I am really glad to have gotten over this stuff( it seems) without The Dr.

Well  back to what happens to me when sick with bipolar.
Going back almost 20 years until I first experienced a time being sick when I thought my experience was a normal one for anyone with a yearly influenza bout. I am so thankful it has been many years since I had influenza. I am talking the high temp. , cannot do nothing but lay in bed, with burning ague with upset stomach, headache and lung pain. Not mere stomach-what people call flu- which is not really flu. This is the flu where you can barely walk to bathroom and so grabbed in hand by dizziness, you feel like you will fall down.True influenza like the kind that killed so many in early 1900's.
This time I had it- I remember laying in front of the bedroom door in carpeted hallway, hoping for strength to get the rest of way to bathroom;. I started having dark shapes before my eyes and seeing hallucinations as I lay in excruciating pain heap. I thought this would be normal for everyone since bad sickness with high tempo can bring hallucinations to some people. I had read of that. At that time I did not know the bipolar I had beneath the surface. Every time I became really ill, I have these. I did not have them bad with my last bout but slightly. Being sick is extreme scarey with bipolar. in my situation anyway, I am not sure if other bipolar get this as well. I do not know if those that I read so long ago with high temperature and hallucinations had any mental issues either. Some were missionaries and I think many in this field would lean towards more of the mind set or temperament such as mine. Just my thoughts on it.

A big problem is with me is also my extremely dangerous and  deadly asthma. Because of my asthma I can more easily become sick in a harder manner. My lungs easily go to bronchitis and there may be someone out there like me-perhaps several-with "brittle" asthma. (Only 5% of asthmatics have this deadly form.)

Steroids: When I had pneumonia and lung troubles I could not get over because of the Hamas. I have been put on Prednisone. This is a great medicine to get rid of the asthma and any infection. but as many know with sport steroids and medical Prednisone is no different. Dangerous drug for long term. One time on it when I was 19 I gained 10 pounds in a short time from side effects. I hate the cravings you get. I was on it and gobbled 3 hot dogs and a pile of macaroni and cheese when I took it for the Pneumonia.
Where does this lead me with bipolar? The Prednisone also effects hallucination factor. I had to take it fro my lungs a year ago and I had really bad hallucinations. It seem to get worse every time I take it. I put trust in God and his promise of a sound mind, but the thought of having to take the stuff is total "fear factor."

Since I live out in the forest (hardwoods -Ozark Mtns.) - now that I am feeling better and have spent sick time studying the subject- I am checking into wild herbs and plants to make tinctures for lung strengthening. I am checking in with extension and horticulture stuff in the area, am hoping to get some natural help with my asthma so I will not have these bouts. Will let all know what I discover. I like studying that subject, just another thing takes time.

So this is the extra horror for sickness with bipolar for me anyway.

bibpolar blast and sickness

Have been away from here for several days since I have been pretty sick.What was a viral cold turned into bacterial infection in ears and lungs which I have done everything in my power to get rid of. I did not recognize it coming. Not only do I have Bipolar, I also have chronic asthma and chronic pain which has not been determined the cause of.
3 weeks ago, I had extra bad pain on the side of my hips above my normal body chronic ache. I had not had this hip pain for a long time and because of my chronic pain took it to be just the regular chronic pain worsening( though I had read an article in Reader's digest about a cold in the hip and way back when I had a lot of colds the cold would start with excruciating hip pain.) I had drawn by trial and error that the hip pain was related to being sick somehow and was excited to see this article in reader's digest. I really believed it was the cold manifesting in my hip as article stated.
I mentioned this to a DR. some time back and he had "answers" you know what I mean? Maybe not all Dr's are this way, but the ones I have dealt with do not like to hear something from a patient that does not go along with the pedigree they have. I am just "crazy woman." That is the feeling I get and with my extreme sensitivity via bipolar, I am right about what I am actually hearing come through  a lot in this category.
Well my hip hurt and they are trying to figure out if I have arthritis after so many years because of lack of insurance-which is another story. I- at first felt like the hip must prove I am going into far worse arthritis. I thought fleetingly about how the pain used to come when I was sick, but I did not think I was at all sick.
I had other sick signs. I was very depressed -normal with extreme dark pole of bipolar, but this depression was an unusually bad and different form, but I just thought It was normal bipolar.
I also started clogging up in my eyes, nose. I began sneezing like I was wanting to win the sneeze prize in Guinness World record book. I attributed all the prior things to my allergies since I struggle so much with being hit with 2nd hand smoke and animal dander I cannot always catch  and control anyplace I go. Not even in my own house. It is dragged in with the "dirt."
I went on a week like this. A couple days I conked out and took long naps-which is very unlike me. I thought it was the medicine I take for the bipolar since it can cause me to be tired sometimes, but I was so extra fatigued-more than the usual. I still did not recognize I was sick though.
A week and a 1/2 into it feeling terrible I woke up to a sore throat. Blam-hit upside head. This is not allergies and my asthma, nor is it bipolar, though I think the bipolar depression was  worsened extremely  by the sickness. It was not my medication and the far worse pain was being sick.
This is my introduction. I will try by tomorrow or at least Friday How horrifying bipolar can be when you are sick for me anyway. this would probabnly be the worst part if bipolar and the only blast it might give is splintering pain of a bomb blast of trepidation.

To be continued:  Part 2............

Bipolar and Depression -Acrostic

• D= Darkness
• E= Elusive to happiness
• P= Pain
• P= Pointless existence
• R= Ruinous feeling of remorse.
• E= Enough of despair.
• S= Sadness
• S= Sun has been put out.
• I= Images of tarnish into blackness.
• O= Over bounding in sorrow and tears.
• N= Nothingness-None can bring me up. Waiting.........

2Co 1:8  For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life:
2Co 1:9  But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead:
2Co 1:10  Who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver: in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us;

Bipolar Blast-Top problem of living with this is Manic or depression driven manic irritability.

David's Random Thoughts 
This is a great explanation for the worst bipolar effect. I found this blog last week and has some great stuff to help bipolar. I could not have said this hard subject in a better manner so I have shared this blog  with you as a guest blog and recommend  the whole  blog if you need to learn of bipolar. This is a blog with a different take on it then the personality I bring to the subject on my own blog. Here is a copy of it, but go to the site and read a lot of good stuff. Helpful stuff.

Bipolar 101 - "Irritability"

I thought that for some of my coming posts I would describe a little about the symptoms of someone who has bipolar, mainly myself.  I write to be able to give you a little insight  into  what I experience or have  experienced in the past. Maybe it will encourage you as you go through the same thing or maybe it will give you insight as a family member or friend! These things are hard to describe, so bear with me.

I chose irritability as the first symptom because I think that this one was the one that my family can most relate to. Other symptoms such as my racing thoughts, grandiosity, sexuality and behaviors were there of course. But perhaps they would claim that this one was the most difficult to deal with. It affected them the most directly on a day by day basis.

Imagine always being irritated and never knowing why. Many of us will be irritated if someone steps in our way or does something that we feel is an infringement upon the way that we like to see things done. That is common and natural and depending on how we deal with it, it is a perfectly natural emotion. But for the one that has bipolar disease there is no rationality. Everything irritated me at all times! It really seemed to be a 100% narcissitic emotion where everything, and I mean everything, had to be done according to my frame of mind. If it wasn't, the irritability would fly. But note: I said the word "seemed." It "seemed to be." I didn't want it to be that way and frankly I had no idea that it was that way. But somehow my mind had warped into the position where it was trying to protect it's own territory at all costs. My mind was fractured and it was trying to protect itself from anything that seemed wrong. It was too weak to be able too handle anything else that conflicted with what it believed. There were many times of irritability where I had no understanding of why I was irritated.  I just knew that I was.

My mind  had literally broken and so even the smallest of things would then send off an attack mode. Just a word, just a clanging dish, just a wrong look, just a minor disagreement and there was irritation. At the time the irritation felt like it was the right response - it was justified and it made sense. After all, you infringed on what I thought was the correct thing and how dare you do that! And it was a normal response if the behavior indeed had been wrong on the part of the other person. The problem was that the behavior was not that bad. My mind made it to be much more grievous than what it actually was.

The irritability was an over reaction to an exaggerated behavior in my own mind. I became argumentative and demanding, hostile and impatient, aggressive and super quick to anger. I would try and step back and count to 10, but my mind was to overly sensitive and to easily offended. Everything seemed like an attack and I became intolerant, snappy and critical. I lashed out at everyone and everything in my path. It was all about self protection. My mind was aggressive and hostile. Everything became chaotic for me.

Imagine now a stray cat that gets cornered and is scared. What is it's reaction when you try to reach out to help? In it's mind you are there to hurt, not to help, and so it responds accordingly. The claws fly, the hair stands on end, there is a high pitched hiss and a cry, and then there is the fight. The cat can not see that you are there to help. It can not see that you are not a danger to him. He is simply trying to protect his own. His mind is not seeing the situation clearly.

Maybe this is not the "purfect" (lol! sorry!) example, but it does get at the heart of the challenge. My mind believed that it had to protect it's space, it had to careful to keep things calm. It knew that things were swarming around inside just like a hurricane, tornado, tusnami, and earthquake all at the same time. Too much was happening all at the same time in my head and so the smallest of intrusions would literally send it over the edge.  The smallest of things were the straws that broke the camel's back. Fury would be unleashed as it tried to protect itself from any new threat that might add more noise to the mental storm.

My family paid the price for that imbalance. They received the brunt of the hostile demands of an angry, impatient, argumentative, snappy, critical over reactive mind. They dealt with that emotional abuse for years on end as my mind continued to deteriorate. My heart goes out to them. I still have no full comprehension of what that must have been like. I have a small comprehension now from friends who have acted like towards me and I feel a portion of the horror of being on the receiving end, but I have no idea what it was like to be in it day in or day out.

So how has that changed? My mind is calmer now. It has been a tough 6 years since I was diagnosed. Unfortunately there were some who thought I could change overnight, but it has taken much time to rewire my brain. Through medications, lifestyle changes, and coping techniques my mind has calmed. I enjoyed hearing from my son over a year ago as he looked at me in disbelief. There was a bunch of noise going on in the house and my lovely girlfriend was being her usual bubbly ("loud"..lol!) self and I was happy and calm. He commented on the change several times which brought tears to my eyes. He saw the change.

My mind still today struggles on a regular basis with the noise factor. Recently, MaryEllen and I have gone to several events where the noise and confusion was simply to much. I politely had to leave - my mind could not handle the confusion as it reminded me of what used to be happening on a daily basis on the inside of my mind, not on the outside. I find at other times that when my mind starts to head towards those storms again that I will reach into my coping technique bag. Inside there you would find deep breathing techniques, meditation, long walks, more vitamins, eating habit changes and other distractions. I am honored by my son's opinion on the change and I am equally honored when MaryEllen states that she does not understand why family thought that I caused them grief through constant irritation. Things have changed. The family never caused the irritations. My mind did as it reacted to the imbalances of the storm that were raging.

Bipolar Blast# 8 /John Bunyan

Many great Christians-so I am in good company- have been dealt the providential hand of bipolar. One of greatest and most often read christian classics is Pilgrim's Progress. Written by John Bunyan in jail while persecuted for preaching the Gospel. At the time of his life I do not believe it was known what plagued Bunyan so terribly in his mind, but in later years- the facts being gathered were studied and conclusions were drawn and he was  believed to have extreme bipolar and a type of ocd. The positive of this all is how mightily God used John's thorn to accomplish the might to His name's praise. I count it such joy to know I can take my place beside such a hero of faith as himself.


http://kenneth-burchfiel.suite101.com/john-bunyans-battle-with-scrupulosity-a135174 Is an article explaining ling the form of bipolar John dealt with called scrupulosity (first time I heard it called by that one)

I am including a follow up post also that goes over Bunyan's sufferings in a post I am adding today called "Suffering in the Life of John Bunyan. This article is part of this post, but to share it on blogger was easier just to put it on a new post.

 It is a blast to think you have such a thing in common with someone so blessed and used of God, that it compels you to be lifted above the torments bipolar puts in your path upon thinking of this partnership in sufferings not only with Christ but with an author and strong in faith Christian such as this. (BTW- Pilgrim's progress is only his most famous book, he also authored many others) I may list them in  alter posts. Fascinating and did not know this myself until my undertaking today.

What is Wrong?- bipolar blast # 7

Find myself at rock bottom. Having no place to stand. God is my rock, but I am falling. like I am on sand. maybe I think to highly of myself, but it seems I am getting this:Mark 5:31  Likewise also the chief priests mocking said among themselves with the scribes, He saved others; himself he cannot save.  Psalm 44:15  My confusion is continually before me, and the shame of my face hath covered me,
I know it fellowship with Jesus Christ and his suffering, but I guess in this testing before the presence of my God and the enemy, I am not handling it right at all.

I am totally disturbed about my messy house to the point of  Idolatry and leaving off thankfulness. I do not only want to love and obey God when I am feeling good on manic side of bipolar, but here I am with what I hate. No knowing which promise to claim and wondering where is God?
Was Elijah somewhat bipolar because I sure fit with him. He is my favorite Bible character because of this. Except maybe the maniac of Gedara. I guess I am being threatened by Jezebel in a spiritual manner.
God has told me when I am irritable bipolar manic and depression with panic, I actually fall into a lighter form of the maniac because I get out of control and darkness covers me. I panic out of control. It use to be far worse because I did not know then as I do now that it was a spiritual force driving the anxiety of bipolar and now I know not to allow it to get this far. but it has.
Psalm 107:10  Such as sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, being bound in affliction and iron; spiritual chains and iron. That only I can cast off. I look for help from my family, but:

Psalm 38:11  My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off.
And then I say to God:
Psalm10:1  Why standest thou afar off, O LORD? why hidest thou thyself in times of trouble?

I hate going by feelings because this is also true:
 Rom_10:8  But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach;
And this:James 4:8  Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. And this:


Hebrews: 7:19  For the law made nothing perfect, but the bringing in of a better hope did; by the which we draw nigh unto God.


The lacking elements in me with these 3 verses: Faith, Wavering and double mindeness -hope gone.

 Just wonder what or where I fell , Am I not standing? Am I backslid, do I praise, do I sing, I want to run until I burn out and disappear. I really just want to live as I was working to by every word that proceeds out of mouth of God and love him with heart soul and mind. do not understand why I just am not able or maybe I am and my feelings are what I am going by. Do not know.

Give me a couple weeks and maybe I will back on the Mountain. So confusing and god is not the author of that. I do not even want mountain if I cannot obey in the valley. Even tried to fast today to break the chains and failed to even do that. Chocolate won out.
Nothing more to say, but I do have a book to recommend. probably best fiction book I ever read as far as a Christian book goes. I want to get it again. I found it in library In WA state. Pretty amazing since the library there really has few offerings for christian. I used to do Moody reading club way back and they had done that book-after I had read it -for their book reading and was amazing I turned on the program the day they were discussing it.
Everyone should read:

rating
bookshelves	best-christian-fiction, read edit shelves
format	Paperback (edit)
review	This is one of the best christian books I have ever read. Really gets behind the scenes of what may have transpired to bring about the maniac of Gadara's devil possession. Great insight into spiritual behind the scenes workings.It is so good that it was used in Mid Day book discussions when the professor that moderates that group usually only does classics. This book is HOT!

The above is my review and rating for Good Reads.

Beginnings Of Bipolar (Bipolar Blast # 5)

I believe I have had bipolar symptoms since I was little.  My first memories and my mom confirms and has elaborated on this.
I was like 3 years old. I do not know what the occasion was but my grandmother gave me a beautiful wrapped present. I felt panicked and overwhelmed for some reason. I opened the present. It was a beautiful teal colored sweater and though I loved it and really wanted to be glad and happy, I went off screaming and tantrum throwing. I remember thinking it was an overwhelming force inside I could not control and I did not want to be acting so mean to my grandma whom I really loved. I was being driven. I cried and screamed, but did not want to be like that. My mom shut me up in my room until I could be under control. I was so ashamed. I think Biblically I needed a spanking, but my mom was not into doing things the Bible way totally.

My mom has told me and I kind of remember-though this first memory is more clear. That this happened in my young child hood out of blue during and occasion where I seemed happy then would be out of my mind and my mom never understood the whys? Now as I have thought over these happenings, I needed dealt with biblically first off-(but the blast part comes in with my gracious loving heavenly Father molding me with how he saw fit and it is beautiful- the chastening he has dished out.)-who knows if I had been raised in more Christian manner- I may not be where I am today to help and minister to others if I had been raised more perfectly. I do not know the end of another path. God has always known best.
I was born from an unwed 17 year old mom. My siblings from her 1/2 brothers and sisters are unsaved. I was adopted and my mom of adoption did her best unknowing much bible though she went to church and took me.
I should have been chastened, but water under the bridge.
Know one really knew about bipolar then. I had a brain that was prone to extreme emotional instability. I believe I had mania symptoms which became anxiety and caused panic when I was extremely excited back than even in childhood. 
God saw me and one day he would:

You found me
In a shallow grave
You dragged me out from beneath it all
You healed me
Saved me
In the nick of time
Your perfect time- From Newsboys :"Devotion."

Bipolar Blast. # 4

Bipolar. A person that has a choleric and melancholy temperament is easily the one to most like become Bipolar. When my husband married me he was drawn too the contrast and told me that I was 1/2 "Little House On the Prairie" and half city Rock n Roll.( Before we were saved.) Mania and depression are opposite poles. It is funny I have read several older mysteries lately and old books use the temperament terms alot. But that is another subject. here are pictures of my dressing style- mainly when I was younger, much thinner and had the time to dress up almost every day. I call them "Little House" attire verses frilly , Lacey and charming get ups. I found these on Pinterest:


Bi polar can be a devastating disease, but this is just one of the upsides of it. This is me.

Bipolar Blast #3 Childhood's Beginnings

It wasn't until I had a diagnosis of bipolar that certain incidents from my childhood memories and conversations with my mother pointed to a life time of difficulty with the this illness. Some of it may have been child hood fits , but they were extreme manic driven forces. Over small things, I would freak and my mom could not get me under control. This started when I was like 3 or 4 over nothing normal to be upset over. I can remember a rage I could not understand taking hold of me and not liking raging over something I actually liked and did not want to be angry about. I felt taken over by a force. I was so young I did not have any idea, but my Mom recalls that she had not seen anything like it and did not get it.. Just shut me in my room until it was over. I had supernatural strength and it went on and on. This happened about once a year for about 4 years and then when I was in about first grade subsided. There must have been some depression to have mania like that also. I was a quiet and shy child and who would notice depression in a child like that unless to the extreme. Who ever even thought of depression, mania or bipolar for that matter way back in early 60's. My bipolar sort of slipped in remission waiting to be awakened when the right conditions of the petri dish would revive it. This is what form I believe it took. Biblical discipline may have helped me.Trust and faith in God, but though my mom was a Christian she did not believe any wisdom from the bible. I will never know how my path may have been bettered by trust in God and application of the rod and reproof way back then could have helped me.  There were no books like I have included here. A balance of mental, physical and spiritual may have abated many sorrows I would face later in life? Maybe someday God will reveal this, but for now I believe he has used it my whole life to good in spite of how it could have and should have been dealt with,

Bipolar Blast. #2 (Thoughts Daily I have been Struggling with .)

On a group on Face book, I wrote a small post of dealings with day to day bipolar and my thoughts of confusion it brings me. 

      Thanks Carrie, my point was the confusion I get from people saying bipolar is illness, others saying it is not, you have control over it. Which is it? I have had it since I was 2-4 years old and did not even get told until I was 40 I had it, but something was wrong. And I do get Psychosis.Then I get told the devil has no part and then I really think he does or maybe it is just mania thinking" that wow the devil is really picking on me so I must be extra spiritual" Even to family saying I am like Eve blaming my bad behavior on the devil. But in my own experience I have done as you said and he has fled or I just feel better because it is like a placebo.I had thought that my bipolar either side depression an or mania kick in and then tthe devil takes it over and either he or God uses it. then I think it is my own imagination and go into unbelief and think I have never been right with God except for my illness so it is my illness not me and then told self esteem, I would not be manic on my meds, blah, blah. I read different in books. That is my experience with the whole thing. and then Christians not understanding or believing. I do not know how people find the time to do this stuff. I just want to be able to read my Bible.Always something must be given up. (I have done journaling, but just another thing "I have" to do.) and to keep track of which gives me anxiety. I get overwhelmed if I have too much of anything. ( Example: I am on stumble and many people have likes in K's, I am bothered that I am going over 100 items and will want to get rid of some favorites) I know alot of people get a lot out of it, but I do not like reading what I write. May be the bipolar. I have a blog, but even hate reading it to edit. causes me anxiety. I am doing a series on my bipolar, hoping to help someone so it is kind of journaling in a way, but I do do other subjects. Why I could never settle on any college degree, I am up and down back and forth loving everything and staying home I can be that-everything. this is just what I am dealing with now in my life.