What is Wrong?- bipolar blast # 7

Find myself at rock bottom. Having no place to stand. God is my rock, but I am falling. like I am on sand. maybe I think to highly of myself, but it seems I am getting this:Mark 5:31  Likewise also the chief priests mocking said among themselves with the scribes, He saved others; himself he cannot save.  Psalm 44:15  My confusion is continually before me, and the shame of my face hath covered me,
I know it fellowship with Jesus Christ and his suffering, but I guess in this testing before the presence of my God and the enemy, I am not handling it right at all.

I am totally disturbed about my messy house to the point of  Idolatry and leaving off thankfulness. I do not only want to love and obey God when I am feeling good on manic side of bipolar, but here I am with what I hate. No knowing which promise to claim and wondering where is God?
Was Elijah somewhat bipolar because I sure fit with him. He is my favorite Bible character because of this. Except maybe the maniac of Gedara. I guess I am being threatened by Jezebel in a spiritual manner.
God has told me when I am irritable bipolar manic and depression with panic, I actually fall into a lighter form of the maniac because I get out of control and darkness covers me. I panic out of control. It use to be far worse because I did not know then as I do now that it was a spiritual force driving the anxiety of bipolar and now I know not to allow it to get this far. but it has.
Psalm 107:10  Such as sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, being bound in affliction and iron; spiritual chains and iron. That only I can cast off. I look for help from my family, but:

Psalm 38:11  My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off.
And then I say to God:
Psalm10:1  Why standest thou afar off, O LORD? why hidest thou thyself in times of trouble?

I hate going by feelings because this is also true:
 Rom_10:8  But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach;
And this:James 4:8  Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. And this:


Hebrews: 7:19  For the law made nothing perfect, but the bringing in of a better hope did; by the which we draw nigh unto God.


The lacking elements in me with these 3 verses: Faith, Wavering and double mindeness -hope gone.

 Just wonder what or where I fell , Am I not standing? Am I backslid, do I praise, do I sing, I want to run until I burn out and disappear. I really just want to live as I was working to by every word that proceeds out of mouth of God and love him with heart soul and mind. do not understand why I just am not able or maybe I am and my feelings are what I am going by. Do not know.

Give me a couple weeks and maybe I will back on the Mountain. So confusing and god is not the author of that. I do not even want mountain if I cannot obey in the valley. Even tried to fast today to break the chains and failed to even do that. Chocolate won out.
Nothing more to say, but I do have a book to recommend. probably best fiction book I ever read as far as a Christian book goes. I want to get it again. I found it in library In WA state. Pretty amazing since the library there really has few offerings for christian. I used to do Moody reading club way back and they had done that book-after I had read it -for their book reading and was amazing I turned on the program the day they were discussing it.
Everyone should read:

rating
bookshelves	best-christian-fiction, read edit shelves
format	Paperback (edit)
review	This is one of the best christian books I have ever read. Really gets behind the scenes of what may have transpired to bring about the maniac of Gadara's devil possession. Great insight into spiritual behind the scenes workings.It is so good that it was used in Mid Day book discussions when the professor that moderates that group usually only does classics. This book is HOT!

The above is my review and rating for Good Reads.

Beginnings Of Bipolar (Bipolar Blast # 5)

I believe I have had bipolar symptoms since I was little.  My first memories and my mom confirms and has elaborated on this.
I was like 3 years old. I do not know what the occasion was but my grandmother gave me a beautiful wrapped present. I felt panicked and overwhelmed for some reason. I opened the present. It was a beautiful teal colored sweater and though I loved it and really wanted to be glad and happy, I went off screaming and tantrum throwing. I remember thinking it was an overwhelming force inside I could not control and I did not want to be acting so mean to my grandma whom I really loved. I was being driven. I cried and screamed, but did not want to be like that. My mom shut me up in my room until I could be under control. I was so ashamed. I think Biblically I needed a spanking, but my mom was not into doing things the Bible way totally.

My mom has told me and I kind of remember-though this first memory is more clear. That this happened in my young child hood out of blue during and occasion where I seemed happy then would be out of my mind and my mom never understood the whys? Now as I have thought over these happenings, I needed dealt with biblically first off-(but the blast part comes in with my gracious loving heavenly Father molding me with how he saw fit and it is beautiful- the chastening he has dished out.)-who knows if I had been raised in more Christian manner- I may not be where I am today to help and minister to others if I had been raised more perfectly. I do not know the end of another path. God has always known best.
I was born from an unwed 17 year old mom. My siblings from her 1/2 brothers and sisters are unsaved. I was adopted and my mom of adoption did her best unknowing much bible though she went to church and took me.
I should have been chastened, but water under the bridge.
Know one really knew about bipolar then. I had a brain that was prone to extreme emotional instability. I believe I had mania symptoms which became anxiety and caused panic when I was extremely excited back than even in childhood. 
God saw me and one day he would:

You found me
In a shallow grave
You dragged me out from beneath it all
You healed me
Saved me
In the nick of time
Your perfect time- From Newsboys :"Devotion."