This and That.

Had several things in mind to post and could not focus so I thought I would just say a few things going on at the moment.

1. I have tried "help" on blogger and even Googled what has happened to the " follow" button on every blog I try to "follow" on here. I do not know what I am doing wrong and can find no answers. Has it changed with the  new blog changes? You used to -if you had a blogger blog account- hit "follow" to follow a blog easily. Now I cannot find this spot on any blog on here. FRUSTRATING.
2. My daughter was screaming in pain Saturday and acting like she was in labor. She has PCOS, ( I will include a link on this condition which I diagnosed myself to DR, much to their chagrin, if you want to read up on this condition.) ,but never this bad of symptoms. Finally at the hospital, with a cat scan, she was found to have a base ball sized cyst on one fallopian tube. This is another story I do not want to go into here, but she was born with a deformity that somehow when she formed in the womb -(she was my hardest pregnancy and I wonder if it may have been indication)When the baby she was ,was forming and sex was determined by xx chromosome, what would have been xy as a male and cause the drop of sex organs did not completely eradicate and she ended up with a tiny bit of male formation on one fallopian tube. This caused a cyst to form and it lay like a pearl in an oyster shell until puberty where hormones kicked in and caused the pearl to grow until as happened this past weekend it became so heavy it twisted her tube inside out and around which as with an oyster became so irritating and painful, she had to be operated on as an emergency. She is now recovering from the operation this past Sunday night and I for one am looking forward to her being free of all the pain and stuff she has suffered from that cyst draining her life. It had brought on false diabetes, made her gain weight even when she ate right, made her sluggish, etc.
3. Following #2: I saw a story similar with some guy that went in for a cat scan and he was a male. He also had some female parts that had not dissolved and now he is messed up if he is male or female. My daughter is female. He is male.  I will go by the bible even in this sin cursed world where things do not always turn out perfect as we would like. this is a subject it is not easy to talk about, but to me whatever parts are on the outside of the body is the determining factor, not  alittle piece from some genetic twist in the interior. 
4. And speaking of genetics. My mom gave me magazine subscriptions -of which I do read some of the articles (though I do not really care that much for the whole magazine) Really heart breaking but triumphant story of a mom who had twins 8 years ago. I read this before the happening with my daughter, but I am so thankful that even though this is hard and I do not understand God's ways at all, I am not dealing with the no cure disease this family discovered their 2 little girl's had. Only 500 cases int the whole world and her fight to save these girls. Which is still going on as they search for a cure for an extremely rare disorder. I will add link here also, If you care to read more. 
5. All the points above are depressing-at least to me. Also the 25th was missing children's day, which is a big passion of mine (missing people) Perhaps you read or heard of Etan Pratz who the day was started from. He disappeared at 6 Yrs. of age walking to school on morning. They now have a confession, after 33 years are trying to find his skeleton since the confessor said he put the body in a garbage bin. I also read about a 4 year ordeal of 2 missing kids reunited with their mom. Both are answers to prayer. At the same time , I find it hard not to be sad by the evil surrounding this world. Glad to have prayers for these answered, but cannot wait for the "real answer"  to come back (Jesus)and stop this stuff from happening ever again.
6. ON an upside note, I am drying flowers from Mother's day and my daughter's high school graduation to make flower beads out of. I will post a link on that. I have made beads from roses way back and they still smell like a fresh rose- though they look like a black cyst. lol This will be  a way to keep the flowers and since I am using other types than roses will probaly add rose fragrance to the paste I make the beads with. 
7. My gardens are looking lovely and there are so many butterflies in my yard. That with the new baby chickens and so may birds, my heart soars. I saw a beautiful garden sparkler on Pinterest via Etsy that I am going to try to duplicate after I get off here. Will link a picture of it also.
8. I could add more, but I think this is enough for one post. I will do a follow up post with links and pictures. 

SO FRUSTRATING, I HAVE TRIED TO GIVE INFORMATION LINKS IN ANOTHER POST ABOUT ALL ABOVE, BUT AM GIVING UP FOR TODAY. WILL NOT LET ME FOR SOME REASON. WILL GET BACK TO IT SOON. THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING. I AM STILL LEARNING AS I GO.

Bipolar blast- sickness part 2

I never made it to Dr, but using a myriad of things I am doing better. I am really glad to have gotten over this stuff( it seems) without The Dr.

Well  back to what happens to me when sick with bipolar.
Going back almost 20 years until I first experienced a time being sick when I thought my experience was a normal one for anyone with a yearly influenza bout. I am so thankful it has been many years since I had influenza. I am talking the high temp. , cannot do nothing but lay in bed, with burning ague with upset stomach, headache and lung pain. Not mere stomach-what people call flu- which is not really flu. This is the flu where you can barely walk to bathroom and so grabbed in hand by dizziness, you feel like you will fall down.True influenza like the kind that killed so many in early 1900's.
This time I had it- I remember laying in front of the bedroom door in carpeted hallway, hoping for strength to get the rest of way to bathroom;. I started having dark shapes before my eyes and seeing hallucinations as I lay in excruciating pain heap. I thought this would be normal for everyone since bad sickness with high tempo can bring hallucinations to some people. I had read of that. At that time I did not know the bipolar I had beneath the surface. Every time I became really ill, I have these. I did not have them bad with my last bout but slightly. Being sick is extreme scarey with bipolar. in my situation anyway, I am not sure if other bipolar get this as well. I do not know if those that I read so long ago with high temperature and hallucinations had any mental issues either. Some were missionaries and I think many in this field would lean towards more of the mind set or temperament such as mine. Just my thoughts on it.

A big problem is with me is also my extremely dangerous and  deadly asthma. Because of my asthma I can more easily become sick in a harder manner. My lungs easily go to bronchitis and there may be someone out there like me-perhaps several-with "brittle" asthma. (Only 5% of asthmatics have this deadly form.)

Steroids: When I had pneumonia and lung troubles I could not get over because of the Hamas. I have been put on Prednisone. This is a great medicine to get rid of the asthma and any infection. but as many know with sport steroids and medical Prednisone is no different. Dangerous drug for long term. One time on it when I was 19 I gained 10 pounds in a short time from side effects. I hate the cravings you get. I was on it and gobbled 3 hot dogs and a pile of macaroni and cheese when I took it for the Pneumonia.
Where does this lead me with bipolar? The Prednisone also effects hallucination factor. I had to take it fro my lungs a year ago and I had really bad hallucinations. It seem to get worse every time I take it. I put trust in God and his promise of a sound mind, but the thought of having to take the stuff is total "fear factor."

Since I live out in the forest (hardwoods -Ozark Mtns.) - now that I am feeling better and have spent sick time studying the subject- I am checking into wild herbs and plants to make tinctures for lung strengthening. I am checking in with extension and horticulture stuff in the area, am hoping to get some natural help with my asthma so I will not have these bouts. Will let all know what I discover. I like studying that subject, just another thing takes time.

So this is the extra horror for sickness with bipolar for me anyway.

Thoughts On God.

I want to post, but actually I am feeling worse than I had been for several days. I have tried everything to heal ,myself. today it is 4 weeks. I think 2 weeks of it was a  cold and this went into 2nd bacterial infection that I cannot get rid of . I will probably have to end up at DR. I have been trying to wait until insurance kicked in if I can endure another almost week of what seems like bees buzzing in my ears and the extra depression. Friends on FB are even concerned since I do not even want to deal with it which is very unusual for me.

To cover up noise that cannot be described unless you have had ear infections like I have. I am at least thankful there is no pain, but it is like water torture,extreme in the right ear s o I can barely hear out of them. Without allergy meds I am coughing so bad to throwing up phlegm from the guts upon awakening. And so much coming up from lungs you would think body would expel it out ant it would be gone. I am going off on family- not like me at all.

My thoughts on God right now. I know many are wrong and they need to be cast down per :   2Co_10:5  Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. They surely are not captive unto God's will. To block out ear noise, I have been listening to preaching which helps.At the same time, (And I know we all have some kind of difficulties in our lives,
These are straight what thought I am thinking:

•         What is the use of praying?  A few night ago, my husband thought it better to leave the ducks out since they are happy eating bugs at night and they are big. Plus we have tiny chicks in the coop a couple inches tall and did not want the ducks to squash them. One has been killed already. So we did and even terribly sick I had confidence with praying for Gods to watch over them. Now one of our beautiful ducks is gone.    
•  I am somehow cursed for marrying into a family that is cursed. If you knew my husband's family you would understand. Or Is it  because I was a bastard born by unwed mother. Born with bipolar and extreme asthma which has been illness blight since I was about 3. Both of these showed up at about same time.This has been my misfortune to be an outcast since childhood because to this day no one understands my allergy to animals especially.  I was and am not able to have friends because I cannot go to some peoples houses with my condition. It is always a terror to me to have to make sure people do not have pets inside everywhere I go and explain and have people say they will just put them out. That will not work. it is in the air, in the carpet on the walls, Microscopic dander particles.
• Hard to trust God, that heaven will be that wonderful, when it has been like total nightmare existence for 4 weeks.this is what husband said  today, feeling terrible should make you long for heaven all the more. Maybe if heaven took up more bible pages, I might be more confident in the fact. Maybe if I had more foretaste of it instead of sin and sadness, I might see some good somewhere.
• My family hates me. I need to go away. I do not blame them, I am acting hateful myself.
• The shame , the guilt but forgiven. Yes Oswald Chambers said God does not go by what makes sense. I am forgiven? Hard to believe it.
• You must have really stirred the enemy up with your stand and that is why you are in all this tribulation.Atheist have a point. what kind of God is this that is not able to do things in love in another manner that is not so horrifying. And I do not have it bad compared to many more. I know this. Nobody murdered my mom and sister with a maniac on the lose. or I am not starving in Africa just because I happened to be unblessed enough to be born on the dark continent.
• Why does the enemy or God keep you so bogged down in affliction you can do nothing?  Your heart wants to give, but unable even though you are to have sufficiency to abound to every good work.
• Why did you pray such foolish stuff on the mountain? And why does God answer all the negative prayers, but not the positive ones?
• If I had only been or could be status quo plastic christian-easy sailing.
• I have always strived to walk in spirit for judgement seat of Christ. But if you do not care once there about the rewards, what is the point?
• He has magnified his word above his very name, so when His word makes a promise it should be kept.

• There are probably others, but lastly I would say: Explain the healing verses? Now I am not Pentecostal or charismatic , Oral Roberts or others, but what is the healing mentioned.? I have always believed per transition of acts from physical healing to sickness not healed to mean this is a spiritual healing. The only way you can fit it, is to make it  a future heaven event since if it is spiritual healing, no working either. STILL SIN, What are you supposed to believe. I have dealt with atheists- i think they are fools, but do see their issue, Rapture people in every form, non rapture , lose salvation folks, Calvinism of several flavors.only God is love "Christians." I say the term loosely for all these. worldly Christians that blocked me for disliking Micheal Jackson. Such confusion, such division, such disobedience everywhere, if I have any sanity left,I am amazed.     

I hate writing this , but need to vent. I hate telling what is actually whirring in my head. I do know these are. lacking faith, evil not wisdom from above and in un belief-of which I know better. Throw the self pity in and I am headed for perhaps the loss of my very life like in John 5 ( I do not get that one, wouldn't you want him to take you home anyway? ) As Stated at the beginning of post I should be casting them down. Just some thought and I am sorry if this causes any one else any problems.   
CALL me a FOOL !!!!!!!!    I can call myself that much quicker and far stronger than anyone.   Job  gets the righteous award, I get the kill her in the desert murmur award.

Stubborn

I cry and maybe in mercy someday I will be here again:

bibpolar blast and sickness

Have been away from here for several days since I have been pretty sick.What was a viral cold turned into bacterial infection in ears and lungs which I have done everything in my power to get rid of. I did not recognize it coming. Not only do I have Bipolar, I also have chronic asthma and chronic pain which has not been determined the cause of.
3 weeks ago, I had extra bad pain on the side of my hips above my normal body chronic ache. I had not had this hip pain for a long time and because of my chronic pain took it to be just the regular chronic pain worsening( though I had read an article in Reader's digest about a cold in the hip and way back when I had a lot of colds the cold would start with excruciating hip pain.) I had drawn by trial and error that the hip pain was related to being sick somehow and was excited to see this article in reader's digest. I really believed it was the cold manifesting in my hip as article stated.
I mentioned this to a DR. some time back and he had "answers" you know what I mean? Maybe not all Dr's are this way, but the ones I have dealt with do not like to hear something from a patient that does not go along with the pedigree they have. I am just "crazy woman." That is the feeling I get and with my extreme sensitivity via bipolar, I am right about what I am actually hearing come through  a lot in this category.
Well my hip hurt and they are trying to figure out if I have arthritis after so many years because of lack of insurance-which is another story. I- at first felt like the hip must prove I am going into far worse arthritis. I thought fleetingly about how the pain used to come when I was sick, but I did not think I was at all sick.
I had other sick signs. I was very depressed -normal with extreme dark pole of bipolar, but this depression was an unusually bad and different form, but I just thought It was normal bipolar.
I also started clogging up in my eyes, nose. I began sneezing like I was wanting to win the sneeze prize in Guinness World record book. I attributed all the prior things to my allergies since I struggle so much with being hit with 2nd hand smoke and animal dander I cannot always catch  and control anyplace I go. Not even in my own house. It is dragged in with the "dirt."
I went on a week like this. A couple days I conked out and took long naps-which is very unlike me. I thought it was the medicine I take for the bipolar since it can cause me to be tired sometimes, but I was so extra fatigued-more than the usual. I still did not recognize I was sick though.
A week and a 1/2 into it feeling terrible I woke up to a sore throat. Blam-hit upside head. This is not allergies and my asthma, nor is it bipolar, though I think the bipolar depression was  worsened extremely  by the sickness. It was not my medication and the far worse pain was being sick.
This is my introduction. I will try by tomorrow or at least Friday How horrifying bipolar can be when you are sick for me anyway. this would probabnly be the worst part if bipolar and the only blast it might give is splintering pain of a bomb blast of trepidation.

To be continued:  Part 2............

Blogging on the Bipolar Blast/ New series.

I know I have several series going on here. I am doing favorites through the alphabets. What I call my "unfavorites"- .  Antonyms and opposites of my Favorites. I am also trying to add posts on my frugal blog hobby post back in August. throwing ideas from off that post in the hodge podge of my blog. Now I want to go to a serious subject.......My bipolar mind.I am hoping my journey with this may help someone. as always I am not one to focus on one subject. so I will post on this, plus still continue all my series as well as throw in my pinches of this and that as mentioned in my header.

What is bipolar? Also called Manic- Depression--.Bipolar disorder, formerly known as manic depression, is a mood disorder that causes radical emotional changes and mood swings, from manic, restless highs to depressive, listless lows. Most bipolar individuals experience alternating episodes of mania and depression.Symptoms of bipolar depressive episodes include low energy levels, feelings of despair, difficulty concentrating, extreme fatigue, and psychomotor retardation (slowed mental and physical capabilities).
Manic episodes are characterized by feelings of euphoria, lack of inhibitions, racing thoughts, diminished need for sleep, talkativeness, increased risk taking, and irritability. In extreme cases, mania can induce hallucinations and other psychotic symptoms such as grandiose illusions.

 An introduction for you all. Please join me on my memories and my terror filled journey, but joyful journey dealing with this disease.

A book that I have bee really interested in reading concerning this is the one shown on this post. I though many would think me "mad", but I blessed by my bipolar through God and though I will tell truthfully the trial and affliction parts, I also have great beauty through it. come along for the ride.

A Rant

I do not like to complain much. I would rather be an encourager and exhorter. Pray for others. Lift the down trodden. Stir other up to faith and keep em moving in the race. but today was so hard.
Started last night with disbelief in God. I am sick, I have digestion stuff everyone else got to lay around with last week, I do not get that option. Unless I am so sick I am bedridden and will take something major, I still do my normal stuff or it will be there if I let loose. My kids do chores, but unless I make sure they do them. forget it. I am also not the type to stand for sitting, So boring to me. I also am having bad breathing problems since I went where my husband works for thanksgiving. I torqued up on asthma meds before going, but either they had no cleaned very well or taht stuff was in the air, but have not been able to lay and sleep at night since. On top of my normal meds I am having to take piles of drugs. I have bad depression and it is hitting also. so more drugs. Between the drugs, lack of sleep, the fibromyalgia stuff and other afflictions I am pretty ready to lie down in a corner and give up. Usually my choleric personality pulls me up, but today I had bad anxiety. fear anxiety. The worst. Not normal fear. I am afraid of hardly anything and God has worked this to good to get me fearless. This is a fear like ice going through your veins. I am usually afraid of the word of God, good stuff I love and need to fight with God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but power, love and of a sound mind. I could not even read the Bible posts that help on my group this morning.How I claimed that in 97 when it took me over. I had to take medication. medication at 8 a. m. when usually it is late in the day if I need any when the noise of my kids put me to a breaking point. And my 22 year old is here. I love him, but he was my hardest to deal with and even though he said his wife was a slob, I have to tell him to pick up or I have to do it. Annoying. I want to be a blessing to him after what his wife did to him, but it is extra confusion which takes all of God's grace to do with. the mental stuff I deal with.And though my husband has come far to wake up when you are struggling with doubts to hear him say: " Make's you want to join the kingdom crowd so you can have an easy life and the Devil will bless." When you want him to say something about "get back up again.." Why tempt you me? Come on we will finish the race. Jesus holds the prize. Join the apostate crowd and get blessed down here. I had never read a musing on a site I click and earn rewards, but this poem hit me off there- I have never paid attention to where I click to get points. But saw it. I may never notice this site again since I just earn clicks never sign up for stuff. (Though you do earn more points. It is hard to get rid of junk after you sign on.)


  Suffice it to Say  
A bleak picture of a wounded lamb,
Painted silently by a soft shelled clam.

Above the line, speaking through sand;
Tasting loud, but conspicuously bland.

A meal would fill her up, suffice it to say,
If only red turned blue and green to gray.

Melting butter being drawn with a pencil,
Hot food sliced thin, without a utensil.

A middle ground stepped in in silence;
Making waves of unnecessary violence.  I did not write this. Give credit to who did, but it is me today. The wounded lamb to me is the Saviour. My only hope.