What is Wrong?- bipolar blast # 7

Find myself at rock bottom. Having no place to stand. God is my rock, but I am falling. like I am on sand. maybe I think to highly of myself, but it seems I am getting this:Mark 5:31  Likewise also the chief priests mocking said among themselves with the scribes, He saved others; himself he cannot save.  Psalm 44:15  My confusion is continually before me, and the shame of my face hath covered me,
I know it fellowship with Jesus Christ and his suffering, but I guess in this testing before the presence of my God and the enemy, I am not handling it right at all.

I am totally disturbed about my messy house to the point of  Idolatry and leaving off thankfulness. I do not only want to love and obey God when I am feeling good on manic side of bipolar, but here I am with what I hate. No knowing which promise to claim and wondering where is God?
Was Elijah somewhat bipolar because I sure fit with him. He is my favorite Bible character because of this. Except maybe the maniac of Gedara. I guess I am being threatened by Jezebel in a spiritual manner.
God has told me when I am irritable bipolar manic and depression with panic, I actually fall into a lighter form of the maniac because I get out of control and darkness covers me. I panic out of control. It use to be far worse because I did not know then as I do now that it was a spiritual force driving the anxiety of bipolar and now I know not to allow it to get this far. but it has.
Psalm 107:10  Such as sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, being bound in affliction and iron; spiritual chains and iron. That only I can cast off. I look for help from my family, but:

Psalm 38:11  My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off.
And then I say to God:
Psalm10:1  Why standest thou afar off, O LORD? why hidest thou thyself in times of trouble?

I hate going by feelings because this is also true:
 Rom_10:8  But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach;
And this:James 4:8  Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. And this:

Hebrews: 7:19  For the law made nothing perfect, but the bringing in of a better hope did; by the which we draw nigh unto God.

The lacking elements in me with these 3 verses: Faith, Wavering and double mindeness -hope gone.

 Just wonder what or where I fell , Am I not standing? Am I backslid, do I praise, do I sing, I want to run until I burn out and disappear. I really just want to live as I was working to by every word that proceeds out of mouth of God and love him with heart soul and mind. do not understand why I just am not able or maybe I am and my feelings are what I am going by. Do not know.

Give me a couple weeks and maybe I will back on the Mountain. So confusing and god is not the author of that. I do not even want mountain if I cannot obey in the valley. Even tried to fast today to break the chains and failed to even do that. Chocolate won out.
Nothing more to say, but I do have a book to recommend. probably best fiction book I ever read as far as a Christian book goes. I want to get it again. I found it in library In WA state. Pretty amazing since the library there really has few offerings for christian. I used to do Moody reading club way back and they had done that book-after I had read it -for their book reading and was amazing I turned on the program the day they were discussing it.
Everyone should read:

rating didn't like it it was ok liked it really liked it it was amazing (my current rating)
bookshelves best-christian-fiction, read
format Paperback (edit)
review This is one of the best christian books I have ever read. Really gets behind the scenes of what may have transpired to bring about the maniac of Gadara's devil possession. Great insight into spiritual behind the scenes workings.It is so good that it was used in Mid Day book discussions when the professor that moderates that group usually only does classics. This book is HOT!

The above is my review and rating for Good Reads.

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Springfield, Missouri, United States
Love dipping my mind, hands and feet into about anything that is pure clean and crisp. 5 kids, some out of the nest and married, some at home. Live on a small rural farm with 2 dogs: one poodle and one boogle. 17 chickens so far, but eggs are setting. One guinea fowl. 2 adorable pekin ducks. 1 beautiful goose and a pond load of fish. But my name is not Old McDonald. Married for 26 years to my sweetheart.