Thoughts On God.

I want to post, but actually I am feeling worse than I had been for several days. I have tried everything to heal ,myself. today it is 4 weeks. I think 2 weeks of it was a  cold and this went into 2nd bacterial infection that I cannot get rid of . I will probably have to end up at DR. I have been trying to wait until insurance kicked in if I can endure another almost week of what seems like bees buzzing in my ears and the extra depression. Friends on FB are even concerned since I do not even want to deal with it which is very unusual for me.

To cover up noise that cannot be described unless you have had ear infections like I have. I am at least thankful there is no pain, but it is like water torture,extreme in the right ear s o I can barely hear out of them. Without allergy meds I am coughing so bad to throwing up phlegm from the guts upon awakening. And so much coming up from lungs you would think body would expel it out ant it would be gone. I am going off on family- not like me at all.

My thoughts on God right now. I know many are wrong and they need to be cast down per :   2Co_10:5  Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. They surely are not captive unto God's will. To block out ear noise, I have been listening to preaching which helps.At the same time, (And I know we all have some kind of difficulties in our lives,
These are straight what thought I am thinking:
  •         What is the use of praying?  A few night ago, my husband thought it better to leave the ducks out since they are happy eating bugs at night and they are big. Plus we have tiny chicks in the coop a couple inches tall and did not want the ducks to squash them. One has been killed already. So we did and even terribly sick I had confidence with praying for Gods to watch over them. Now one of our beautiful ducks is gone.    
  •  I am somehow cursed for marrying into a family that is cursed. If you knew my husband's family you would understand. Or Is it  because I was a bastard born by unwed mother. Born with bipolar and extreme asthma which has been illness blight since I was about 3. Both of these showed up at about same time.This has been my misfortune to be an outcast since childhood because to this day no one understands my allergy to animals especially.  I was and am not able to have friends because I cannot go to some peoples houses with my condition. It is always a terror to me to have to make sure people do not have pets inside everywhere I go and explain and have people say they will just put them out. That will not work. it is in the air, in the carpet on the walls, Microscopic dander particles.
  • Hard to trust God, that heaven will be that wonderful, when it has been like total nightmare existence for 4 weeks.this is what husband said  today, feeling terrible should make you long for heaven all the more. Maybe if heaven took up more bible pages, I might be more confident in the fact. Maybe if I had more foretaste of it instead of sin and sadness, I might see some good somewhere.
  • My family hates me. I need to go away. I do not blame them, I am acting hateful myself.
  • The shame , the guilt but forgiven. Yes Oswald Chambers said God does not go by what makes sense. I am forgiven? Hard to believe it.
  • You must have really stirred the enemy up with your stand and that is why you are in all this tribulation.Atheist have a point. what kind of God is this that is not able to do things in love in another manner that is not so horrifying. And I do not have it bad compared to many more. I know this. Nobody murdered my mom and sister with a maniac on the lose. or I am not starving in Africa just because I happened to be unblessed enough to be born on the dark continent.
  • Why does the enemy or God keep you so bogged down in affliction you can do nothing?  Your heart wants to give, but unable even though you are to have sufficiency to abound to every good work.
  • Why did you pray such foolish stuff on the mountain? And why does God answer all the negative prayers, but not the positive ones?
  • If I had only been or could be status quo plastic christian-easy sailing.
  • I have always strived to walk in spirit for judgement seat of Christ. But if you do not care once there about the rewards, what is the point?
  • He has magnified his word above his very name, so when His word makes a promise it should be kept.
  • There are probably others, but lastly I would say: Explain the healing verses? Now I am not Pentecostal or charismatic , Oral Roberts or others, but what is the healing mentioned.? I have always believed per transition of acts from physical healing to sickness not healed to mean this is a spiritual healing. The only way you can fit it, is to make it  a future heaven event since if it is spiritual healing, no working either. STILL SIN, What are you supposed to believe. I have dealt with atheists- i think they are fools, but do see their issue, Rapture people in every form, non rapture , lose salvation folks, Calvinism of several flavors.only God is love "Christians." I say the term loosely for all these. worldly Christians that blocked me for disliking Micheal Jackson. Such confusion, such division, such disobedience everywhere, if I have any sanity left,I am amazed.     
I hate writing this , but need to vent. I hate telling what is actually whirring in my head. I do know these are. lacking faith, evil not wisdom from above and in un belief-of which I know better. Throw the self pity in and I am headed for perhaps the loss of my very life like in John 5 ( I do not get that one, wouldn't you want him to take you home anyway? ) As Stated at the beginning of post I should be casting them down. Just some thought and I am sorry if this causes any one else any problems.   
CALL me a FOOL !!!!!!!!    I can call myself that much quicker and far stronger than anyone.   Job  gets the righteous award, I get the kill her in the desert murmur award.


I cry and maybe in mercy someday I will be here again:



I have not been able to get to part 2 of my blog on bipolar and sickness. I will get it done soon though. In the meantime I am supplementing with a draft I have not published yet- this concerns one of my fascinating pastimes: Castles and Abandoned Forts. Is next post of this day.

10 Unique Ruined Forts and Castles

10 Unique Ruined Forts and Castles
Wolf's Lair Poland.  To read more on this and the 9 other ruins hit on link.
   Love this list. A sample:


bibpolar blast and sickness

Have been away from here for several days since I have been pretty sick.What was a viral cold turned into bacterial infection in ears and lungs which I have done everything in my power to get rid of. I did not recognize it coming. Not only do I have Bipolar, I also have chronic asthma and chronic pain which has not been determined the cause of.
3 weeks ago, I had extra bad pain on the side of my hips above my normal body chronic ache. I had not had this hip pain for a long time and because of my chronic pain took it to be just the regular chronic pain worsening( though I had read an article in Reader's digest about a cold in the hip and way back when I had a lot of colds the cold would start with excruciating hip pain.) I had drawn by trial and error that the hip pain was related to being sick somehow and was excited to see this article in reader's digest. I really believed it was the cold manifesting in my hip as article stated.
I mentioned this to a DR. some time back and he had "answers" you know what I mean? Maybe not all Dr's are this way, but the ones I have dealt with do not like to hear something from a patient that does not go along with the pedigree they have. I am just "crazy woman." That is the feeling I get and with my extreme sensitivity via bipolar, I am right about what I am actually hearing come through  a lot in this category.
Well my hip hurt and they are trying to figure out if I have arthritis after so many years because of lack of insurance-which is another story. I- at first felt like the hip must prove I am going into far worse arthritis. I thought fleetingly about how the pain used to come when I was sick, but I did not think I was at all sick.
I had other sick signs. I was very depressed -normal with extreme dark pole of bipolar, but this depression was an unusually bad and different form, but I just thought It was normal bipolar.
I also started clogging up in my eyes, nose. I began sneezing like I was wanting to win the sneeze prize in Guinness World record book. I attributed all the prior things to my allergies since I struggle so much with being hit with 2nd hand smoke and animal dander I cannot always catch  and control anyplace I go. Not even in my own house. It is dragged in with the "dirt."
I went on a week like this. A couple days I conked out and took long naps-which is very unlike me. I thought it was the medicine I take for the bipolar since it can cause me to be tired sometimes, but I was so extra fatigued-more than the usual. I still did not recognize I was sick though.
A week and a 1/2 into it feeling terrible I woke up to a sore throat. Blam-hit upside head. This is not allergies and my asthma, nor is it bipolar, though I think the bipolar depression was  worsened extremely  by the sickness. It was not my medication and the far worse pain was being sick.
This is my introduction. I will try by tomorrow or at least Friday How horrifying bipolar can be when you are sick for me anyway. this would probabnly be the worst part if bipolar and the only blast it might give is splintering pain of a bomb blast of trepidation.

To be continued:  Part 2............

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About the creator of this blog.

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Springfield, Missouri, United States
Love dipping my mind, hands and feet into about anything that is pure clean and crisp. 5 kids, some out of the nest and married, some at home. Live on a small rural farm with 2 dogs: one poodle and one boogle. 17 chickens so far, but eggs are setting. One guinea fowl. 2 adorable pekin ducks. 1 beautiful goose and a pond load of fish. But my name is not Old McDonald. Married for 26 years to my sweetheart.