Thoughts On God.

I want to post, but actually I am feeling worse than I had been for several days. I have tried everything to heal ,myself. today it is 4 weeks. I think 2 weeks of it was a  cold and this went into 2nd bacterial infection that I cannot get rid of . I will probably have to end up at DR. I have been trying to wait until insurance kicked in if I can endure another almost week of what seems like bees buzzing in my ears and the extra depression. Friends on FB are even concerned since I do not even want to deal with it which is very unusual for me.

To cover up noise that cannot be described unless you have had ear infections like I have. I am at least thankful there is no pain, but it is like water torture,extreme in the right ear s o I can barely hear out of them. Without allergy meds I am coughing so bad to throwing up phlegm from the guts upon awakening. And so much coming up from lungs you would think body would expel it out ant it would be gone. I am going off on family- not like me at all.

My thoughts on God right now. I know many are wrong and they need to be cast down per :   2Co_10:5  Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. They surely are not captive unto God's will. To block out ear noise, I have been listening to preaching which helps.At the same time, (And I know we all have some kind of difficulties in our lives,
These are straight what thought I am thinking:

•         What is the use of praying?  A few night ago, my husband thought it better to leave the ducks out since they are happy eating bugs at night and they are big. Plus we have tiny chicks in the coop a couple inches tall and did not want the ducks to squash them. One has been killed already. So we did and even terribly sick I had confidence with praying for Gods to watch over them. Now one of our beautiful ducks is gone.    
•  I am somehow cursed for marrying into a family that is cursed. If you knew my husband's family you would understand. Or Is it  because I was a bastard born by unwed mother. Born with bipolar and extreme asthma which has been illness blight since I was about 3. Both of these showed up at about same time.This has been my misfortune to be an outcast since childhood because to this day no one understands my allergy to animals especially.  I was and am not able to have friends because I cannot go to some peoples houses with my condition. It is always a terror to me to have to make sure people do not have pets inside everywhere I go and explain and have people say they will just put them out. That will not work. it is in the air, in the carpet on the walls, Microscopic dander particles.
• Hard to trust God, that heaven will be that wonderful, when it has been like total nightmare existence for 4 weeks.this is what husband said  today, feeling terrible should make you long for heaven all the more. Maybe if heaven took up more bible pages, I might be more confident in the fact. Maybe if I had more foretaste of it instead of sin and sadness, I might see some good somewhere.
• My family hates me. I need to go away. I do not blame them, I am acting hateful myself.
• The shame , the guilt but forgiven. Yes Oswald Chambers said God does not go by what makes sense. I am forgiven? Hard to believe it.
• You must have really stirred the enemy up with your stand and that is why you are in all this tribulation.Atheist have a point. what kind of God is this that is not able to do things in love in another manner that is not so horrifying. And I do not have it bad compared to many more. I know this. Nobody murdered my mom and sister with a maniac on the lose. or I am not starving in Africa just because I happened to be unblessed enough to be born on the dark continent.
• Why does the enemy or God keep you so bogged down in affliction you can do nothing?  Your heart wants to give, but unable even though you are to have sufficiency to abound to every good work.
• Why did you pray such foolish stuff on the mountain? And why does God answer all the negative prayers, but not the positive ones?
• If I had only been or could be status quo plastic christian-easy sailing.
• I have always strived to walk in spirit for judgement seat of Christ. But if you do not care once there about the rewards, what is the point?
• He has magnified his word above his very name, so when His word makes a promise it should be kept.

• There are probably others, but lastly I would say: Explain the healing verses? Now I am not Pentecostal or charismatic , Oral Roberts or others, but what is the healing mentioned.? I have always believed per transition of acts from physical healing to sickness not healed to mean this is a spiritual healing. The only way you can fit it, is to make it  a future heaven event since if it is spiritual healing, no working either. STILL SIN, What are you supposed to believe. I have dealt with atheists- i think they are fools, but do see their issue, Rapture people in every form, non rapture , lose salvation folks, Calvinism of several flavors.only God is love "Christians." I say the term loosely for all these. worldly Christians that blocked me for disliking Micheal Jackson. Such confusion, such division, such disobedience everywhere, if I have any sanity left,I am amazed.     

I hate writing this , but need to vent. I hate telling what is actually whirring in my head. I do know these are. lacking faith, evil not wisdom from above and in un belief-of which I know better. Throw the self pity in and I am headed for perhaps the loss of my very life like in John 5 ( I do not get that one, wouldn't you want him to take you home anyway? ) As Stated at the beginning of post I should be casting them down. Just some thought and I am sorry if this causes any one else any problems.   
CALL me a FOOL !!!!!!!!    I can call myself that much quicker and far stronger than anyone.   Job  gets the righteous award, I get the kill her in the desert murmur award.

Stubborn

I cry and maybe in mercy someday I will be here again: