Bipolar Blast. #2 (Thoughts Daily I have been Struggling with .)

On a group on Face book, I wrote a small post of dealings with day to day bipolar and my thoughts of confusion it brings me. 

      Thanks Carrie, my point was the confusion I get from people saying bipolar is illness, others saying it is not, you have control over it. Which is it? I have had it since I was 2-4 years old and did not even get told until I was 40 I had it, but something was wrong. And I do get Psychosis.Then I get told the devil has no part and then I really think he does or maybe it is just mania thinking" that wow the devil is really picking on me so I must be extra spiritual" Even to family saying I am like Eve blaming my bad behavior on the devil. But in my own experience I have done as you said and he has fled or I just feel better because it is like a placebo.I had thought that my bipolar either side depression an or mania kick in and then tthe devil takes it over and either he or God uses it. then I think it is my own imagination and go into unbelief and think I have never been right with God except for my illness so it is my illness not me and then told self esteem, I would not be manic on my meds, blah, blah. I read different in books. That is my experience with the whole thing. and then Christians not understanding or believing. I do not know how people find the time to do this stuff. I just want to be able to read my Bible.Always something must be given up. (I have done journaling, but just another thing "I have" to do.) and to keep track of which gives me anxiety. I get overwhelmed if I have too much of anything. ( Example: I am on stumble and many people have likes in K's, I am bothered that I am going over 100 items and will want to get rid of some favorites) I know alot of people get a lot out of it, but I do not like reading what I write. May be the bipolar. I have a blog, but even hate reading it to edit. causes me anxiety. I am doing a series on my bipolar, hoping to help someone so it is kind of journaling in a way, but I do do other subjects. Why I could never settle on any college degree, I am up and down back and forth loving everything and staying home I can be that-everything. this is just what I am dealing with now in my life.